new information has come to light

i have suffered from chronic migraines since i was 12 or so. at least that's when i can first remember getting them. it may have started earlier than that but i don't know for sure. it was several years into them that i tried any kind of medication. imitrex. that seems to be the one drug for migraines. over 2/3rds of my life i have had this problem. and no matter what i stop doing (e.g. no alcohol, chocolate or excessive stress), they still happen.

the migraine runs in my family. my mother and my father get them. my aunt gets them. my cousins get them. everyone has a few similar symptoms. like certain smells and too much of anything at all bring them on. some last for days. but i am the only one who throws up. and when i say throws up. i don't mean once and then i'm good. i mean i throw up every few minutes for an entire day. no food. no water or any liquid whatsoever can pass my lips without coming up. and definitely no medication of any kind. agony in a nutshell. and nasty on the body let me tell you. there's nothing good about vomiting every type of stomach and possibly liver contents (to the point of seeing blood traces in it).

over the years i have had a little help here and there from people wanting to see me find the cure, without really helping me find a cure. there is no cure so that's probably why it hasn't been found. more than anything people say "drink more water - #1 cause of a headache is dehydration!". more often than not however i have had little or no help let alone sympathy from people. they can't see anything wrong, so i must be making it up to get attention (yup, had that one thrown at me a few times). just take an aspirin. no. can't do that. makes me throw up. sorry. i will refrain from taking any more time to retell the countless times people (boyfriends included) have denied me help because they didn't think it was serious. meanwhile i am vomiting my ass off and ready to die any moment. nothing serious about that. true.

OK! here's where we get to the interesting bits of new information that are on the one hand very helpful and on the other hand making me question the ability for anyone in my family to properly care for themselves and for me.

firstly, the most shocking thing i just discovered is that migraines are a disease. i have a disease. that is kind of mind blowing. that kind of makes me feel like i am right when i say - there is no cure for this. sure there is really expensive medication i could be on. which i really probably should be. i am probably very stupid not to be on imitrex. i'm sorry. i just realized i have a disease. i don't mean to harp on about it. it's all making sense now. i'm not crazy. i have a disease.

secondly, and maybe actually more important than the first bit, is that even though the majority of my family suffers from this disease - no one has gotten a diagnosis, no one takes the proper medication, and no one even knows what kind of migraine they have. and that includes getting me diagnosed! i have been vomiting my face off since as long as i can remember and my mother never figured out why?? what the hell is wrong with this family? i kind of can't stand these people at the moment.

this leads me to my third (in two parts) and most awesome discovery. as i have now mentioned several times, i profusely vomit every time i get a severe migraine. not only have i discovered what that is but i now know that i have more than one kind of migraine. self diagnosed, yes, but what can one do with no insurance?

part one: i have cyclic vomiting syndrome. it is exactly as it sounds. over and over and over for the entire day. consistent in it's length each episode. no ability to consume during that period. my diaphram bruises from this usually. they say the esophagus bruises and sometimes tears but for me it's the diaphram. it doesn't have to come with migraine, for some people it just happens on it's own.

part two: the vomiting is making me think that i have "abdominal migraines" which cause severe stomach problems (when i don't throw up i have OTHER problems that shall remain nameless). i also think i have "migraine with aura" which means senses are hypersensitive mostly to light and sound. i have to cover my eyes and put cold compress over them to keep from feeling like my face is going to explode and is too hot.

there is another type of migraine i get. i recently started getting them again after years of not getting them. i now know they are called "ice pick migraines". that pretty much sums it up. imagine an ice pick stabbing you in the head for several seconds while you are enjoying a nice conversation with your boyfriend and causing you to freak out, grab your skull and run to the bed. it pretty much feels like i am having a stroke or what i assume that feels like. these are more terrifying than the other migraines because they come from nowhere and then leave before you even know what the hell happened. and there's no medication for something that only lasts seconds. even though it repeats a few times before buggering off.

another interesting albeit confusing bit of information is that a migraine is not a headache. a headache is a symptom of a migraine but not the same thing. abdominal migraines and silent migraines don't have head pain. um. i'm still studying so perhaps someday i will understand all of this.

all in all my migraines have greatly distressed me. i have missed so much school and work in my life because of them. and i can't tell you how many times i was convinced everyone thought i was lying when i had to call in sick the morning of my shift. so much shame. if only i had known it was a disease i could have said that. instead i didn't tell bosses for years because i was afraid they wouldn't hire me. new jobs would scare me because i would be waiting for them to fire me for missing work more than other people and "this time they aren't going to believe me" ran through my head many times.

what disturbs me the most is that my mother, a self proclaimed healer and knower-of-all-things-medical AND who suffers from this as well AND who held my hair when i threw up AND who nursed me back to health growing up, never told me why i threw up like that. it's really fucking dangerous actually. no one should be vomiting bile. and not regularly especially. it's sickens me to think about how i could have had more help earlier on but i didn't. and of course i am the world's biggest procrastinator. i hate doctors and i hate being probed and having to tell my life story and then just get handed a packet of samples for medication. no thanks.

if your child was that sick wouldn't you get it figured out? when i started getting the ice pick migraines in high school i still lived at home and things were terrible then, but shouldn't my mom have tried to get me checked out? even with no money she should have been able to do something. i vaguely remember talking about a cat scan and then never getting one.

i am finally lucky to have a love in my life who takes as good care of me as can be done when i am sick. even though one time he was very mean and wouldn't help me - but that was a few years ago and i say he rather makes up for it now. when he is away i get a little sorry for myself because it reminds me of all the years before that of being alone and not being able to take care of myself. i am still nervous about them and i don't know when that will go away. i guess as long as i don't have proper medical care.

who wants to bet i wake up with one tomorrow because i sat in bed too long to type this manuscript with the computer screen glaring into my eyes?

i hope i don't.